1 year to 1 1/2 Years

From BilingualWiki

December 7, 2002 I mentioned my thoughts to Stephen on the cultureless Portuguese from last night and it lead to a long talk. I told him I’m not ONLY interested in her being bilingual, but I’m interested in her understanding Brazilian culture. That in fact in some ways that motivates me more than just having her be bilingual for all the obvious reasons (all the benefits that would bring and have been proven to bring). I mentioned to him how when he said there was a bilingual Spanish/English school here in town I really wasn’t as interested as I thought I might be, that I’m not so excited just about her speaking another language as I am about her speaking Portuguese specifically. He asked, “So why ARE you teaching her Portuguese exactly.” It was so hard to verbalize.

I want her to understand me, is really the bottom line, and although I’m not officially Brazilian, I feel partially Brazilian. I explained that it’s not just a hobby for me, it’s not just an interest, it’s part of who I am and I want to share that with her. He said I need to be careful because what if she rejects Portuguese. I said that if she doesn’t want to speak it but didn’t totally feel adverse to it, I would just speak it to her and she would respond in English. If it completely made her angry, that my relationship with her is more important that speaking a language to her and that I would switch to English. Though, I didn’t say this to him but I thought it, it would be VERY hard to switch even now because for the past year I’ve spoken only Portuguese to her so I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to switch later on. He said that I have to remember that if she rejects Portuguese she’s not rejecting me. He also said he wouldn’t tell her that the reason I speak Portuguese to her is for the reason just mentioned, because he said that might be a good motivator for me, that I want to share who I am with her, but that it’s not a good motivator for her. In fact, he asked, “What will motivate her to speak the language? Because it’s work, it won’t be easy.” He asked me, “if your motive is to learn the culture, why learn the language.” Why not just teach her about Brazil?

I couldn’t really answer him at the time and it was hard to sleep after that discussion because I thought, “Maybe this is all just nuts!” but later after mulling it over and losing a bit of sleep, I guess in answer to the “What will motivate her?” question, I equate it in a sort of odd way to a southern accent. I grew up in the south and then moved away from the south for many years, living in several different countries. When I’m with people who don’t speak “southern,” I subconsciously (or even consciously at times) tone down the twang, especially in a professional setting because there’s the stereotype that a southerner is dumb or slow. But when I talk to my mom, who is from a tiny town in Tennessee and has a very strong southern accent, I subconsciously lay it on thicker. I had a friend living in another state and whenever I called him, he knew if I was calling from Nashville, where my mom lives, because he said when I called from Nashville, my accent was so much stronger. So why is that? I think at the heart of it, you talk like what you identify with. I identify with my mom and when I’m with her I try to sound like her as a way of strengthening that bond. I would hope that Sydney will do that with me, with Portuguese. She may have other motivations, I hope she does, but that’s one of the few I can control in that I can make our relationship one that brings her love and security, such that she will want to identify with me.

Now, as to the why teach her the language, why not just teach her the culture, I’m still working on that one. I mean, really they are synergistic in a way I can’t explain. Inexplicably inextricable, you might say. I was at the grocery store the other day and heard 2 women speaking Portuguese. I asked in Portuguese if they were Brazilian and we ended up talking for half an hour, exchanging phone numbers, etc. If I just knew ABOUT Brazil it wouldn’t have been the same connection. They accepted me as if I were a Brazilian and even talked about friends of theirs, Americans who lived in Brazil for way longer than I do that didn’t speak as well as I did. My speaking it was a sort of compliment to their language/ their culture, that I cared enough to try to be like them. That I cared enough to identify with them, really. The old saying, “Mimicry is the best compliment” holds true.

And as to the motivation, I’m reminded of a story my Uncle Mikey told me. My aunt Nancy, and cousin Amanda- who was about 10- at the time and he were out on the porch watching their dog. He was running around and around in circles in his pen. Uncle Mikey said, “Wonder why he’s doing that? Maybe he has an itch?” My Aunt Nancy said, “Maybe he’s frustrated by being in the pen all morning.” My cousin Amanda said, “Maybe it’s just fun.” That’s really the bottom line, I’m having a ball introducing Sydney to the language I find so fun.

My parents were asking when I was going to wean Sydney. They said, and they’re right, that I do it as much for me as for her. That’s true. I love how close we are when I feed her and I love that she needs me in a way she doesn’t need anyone else. But does that do her any harm? She still benefits from breastfeeding the same no matter what my motivation.

December 8, 2002

This morning, Stephen made me promise that even if the experiment, as he calls it (raising Sydney bilingual) doesn’t work, he wants me to still write up my results. I agreed.

December 11, 2002

Today I brought a dish to the Brazilian Bible study lunch that people RAVED about. The funny thing is that after spending hours preparing other things they wouldn’t touch, this only took 5 minutes to prepare! Of course, gentle reader, you are dying to know what it is so you too can impress your friends. So here goes, the first (and only) recipe in this book:

Baked Cheese A La Christine 1 regular sized package of crescent dough rolls 1 round of Gouda or Brie cheese Dijon mustard Italian spices (or any fresh spices like Basil, oregano, thyme) Dash of salt and pepper

Take the crescent dough and flatten it out until you don’t see the perforated edges. Then take the round of cheese and put mustard on both sides. Then sprinkle the spices and salt and pepper on the mustard and place the round in the middle of the dough. Cover the cheese with the dough. You may have to work it around to get the dough evenly distributed so it’ll cook evenly. If you feel there is too much dough in any one spot just pull some off and make some rolls with the leftover bits. Bake for the time the roll package says to bake the crescent rolls (generally 350 for 20 minutes…you’ll see that it’s getting brown). Serve alone or with crunchy French bread (sour dough is also tasty).

This meeting of bible study was actually out study plus Christmas party. The study was sort of funny because the leader seems to be trying to convert us all-- though as far as I can see everyone who attends is Christian. She had us read a dittoed copy of “The Plan of Salvation.” Whatever. I enjoyed the discussion and actually felt I could add to it. I had sort of gone over what I would say in my mind. When I feel unprepared or as if many people are listening I freeze up in Portuguese. After the lunch we sang Karaoke which was a complete riot. I felt really at ease with the women, acting silly and having everyone acting silly made us somehow equally venerable (whereas usually I feel more vulnerable since I can’t express myself in Portuguese as well as they can). I talked to Erminda about trading Portuguese for English. She was happy about that and we’ll start in the new year…that way I can ask her my questions about Portuguese (there are many!) and she can do the same.

One of the Brazilian ladies I met at the grocery store called me tonight. Pricilla is her name. She is about 25, I’d say, and is so pretty that’s it’s really distracting, natural beauty, model-looking-without-makeup kinds of girl. She cleans houses and I’m not sure what her husband does but he’s Brazilian too. She called to see if I’d give her English classes. I said no but that we could do walks in the afternoon sometimes (I need exercise and practice in Portuguese more than I need the money from tutoring) and speak English then Portuguese to let us both practice. We talked on the phone for nearly an hour afterwards, just about our pasts and Brazil compared to the US and such. It’s so easy to talk to Brazilians, like all of a sudden I have something in common with some total stranger. She said at one point, “Christine, you’re saying a word wrong, do you mind if I correct you?” I said I’d love her to. She said I was saying “trabalo” instead of “trabalho”. The “lh” sound is always tough for me. I can do it but I have to concentrate and if I’m speaking fast I forget. Anyway she said that if she didn’t know it, she’d never know I’m American because my accent’s so good. She said, “Even with little mistakes like trabalo instead of trabalho, even Brazilians do that if they haven’t really done to school much or they are lazy in their speech.” I died laughing and said, “Oh so I don’t sound foreigner, I just sound like a stupid or lazy Brazilian.” We both cracked up. We planned to walk sometime next week.

December 13, 2002 Today I called a woman, Livia, who takes care of children in her home and speaks only Portuguese to them. She’s called “vovó” which means “grandma” in Portuguese. I’d heard of her through a lady at Bible study who said it’d be ideal for Sydney because she’s near my apartment and she could continue Sydney’s Portuguese learning. The lady said she legally could look after 5 kids but really only liked to take on 4 because she’s getting older. I said I’d like to learn more about her methods for this book and she was glad to have me she said. So in the new year I’ll spend a morning with her. It’ll also let me check out the place for Sydney. I’m not really into daycares with only one caregiver because I mean, what happens when the person goes to the bathroom. And if they are rough with a kid because they get frustrated, no one would be around to stop them or let the parent know. At least in a daycare with several people there are sort of checks and balances and laws apply because they are officially registered. It would be great, the Portuguese part though so I asked her to put Sydney on the list.

December 14, 2002 Today on the news they had a daycare center here in town where some guy was supposedly “testing his breaks” right outside the daycare and ran right into the infant room. One child in one of those little swings was tossed across the room. They said they think she’ll be fine and the other injuries were minor but gee whiz, it was odd because just yesterday I was saying I wanted to put Sydney in a regular daycare. No official registration will prevent some moron from testing his brakes outside in the parking lot.

Today in water aerobics I met a woman named Claira Petrosky who had a strong accent. She was from Germany and had lived her for over 20 years or so but maintained (against her will she said) her accent. I asked if she spoke German to her kids. She said she had and that they now spoke German in their jobs. She said once they started school they started speaking English back to her but that she continued speaking only German to them. I asked if that made her frustrated but she said that she understood where they were coming from, speaking English in school all day, and so she figured she’d just do what she could. I think I would feel frustrated if Sydney spoke back to me in English but am trying to prepare myself for that so I wont’ be too out of sorts if it comes to that.

I’ve taken this 1400 Word Book by Richard Scarry that someone gave me a copy in Portuguese and have been writing the Portuguese words into an English copy. I had to get the English copy online through an out-of-print book website because it’s not printed anymore. Last copyright was in 1969. There are lots of sexist things in it like, “Beautiful stewardess” and “Do you want to have a job like your father?” so I can see why it’s not in vogue these days. It’s super, though, because I learn the words that are for things in this country since the originally version was published here in the States. It’s funny though because for some things like cranberry sauce, it just calls it something totally different (though the picture might look like the thing they’ve changed it to) so cranberry sauce became “doce de leite” a sort of caramel candy they eat there.

Dec 27, 2002 It’s been too busy lately to write much in the ole language journal. We’re with my husband’s family in Charlotte, NC and it’s like Grand Central Station! We’re staying in John, Stephen’s brother’s house, with his wife Sara and 2 children and my parents in law came in from Atlanta as well. Stephen isn’t a loud person at all but his family really is. He told me this morning that it’s funny how I’m the loud person in my family and he’s the quietest person in his—so together we sort of just even each other out and have a peaceful household. Sydney doesn’t seem to mind the noise. Mealtimes have been hectic though because she’s just not really into eating solid food. Never really has been, has always preferred breastfeeding. When it’s hectic with lots of people talking (or rather “yelling” as many of his family members prefer to talk at the top of their voices) and the dog running here and there and 2 cats running in front of the booster seat, she gets frustrated and doesn’t want to eat. I got frustrated myself today when I was trying to feed her with all the screaming and loud talking all around me. She just wouldn’t eat and kept crying and putting her arm over her face. I kept telling her (in Portuguese, of course) that she likes this food, she just needs to give it a try. Brian, my 7 year old nephew, said, “She’s crying because you’re talking Portuguese to her. It’s too hard for her to understand!” In general the family has been understanding about the Portuguese. Brian loves to know how to say his name in Portuguese and how to say Sydney’s name. He calls her “Sy-ge-nee” as he hears me pronouncing her name and loves to try to translate what I’ve just said, guessing from context. If, for example, she drops her tippie cup on the floor and I say something, he’ll ask, “Did you just say, ‘Don’t throw your cup on the floor?” Once while I was reading her a book (translating a Christmas book they had on the shelves into Portuguese), Sydney walked away but Brian sat in my lap and said, “keep reading it in Portuguese.” He loved to see if he could pick out words that were similar like “especial” and “special.” I still think the family in general thinks I’m nuts. Sara, my sister-in-law asked, “So are you ONLY speaking Portuguese to her?” and when I said yes, she just looked rather surprised. No real reaction other than, “oh” which I took as her saying she’s not for that idea. I send her an article I’d written on the topic just so she’s have some idea what I’m doing and also because as a homeschool teacher, I thought she’d be interested. She never mentioned the article. Brian’s sister Stephanie is eleven years old and is a bit calmer and loves playing with Sydney. One day it was just Stephanie, Sydney and I looking through a big box of children’s Christmas books for one age appropriate for Sydney. I picked one up and started reading it to her. Then my name was called from someone downstairs so I said, “Will you watch her?” Stephanie said she would be glad to. She took the book but then said to me, “I don’t know Portuguese. Can I just read it to her in English?” It was so cute! By the end of the day, Stephanie was saying to Sydney “Olha” (“Look!”) because she heard me say it so much “Look!”

We had lots of people over in the afternoon of Christmas Day, all the family plus several friends of John and Sara’s. One couple and their daughter were fun to be around but the girl, Sarah Grace, was very outspoken. Just as the Christmas dinner dishes were being cleaned up and leftovers stored, she walked into the kitchen and asked the crowd doing the work, “What’s for dessert?” Everyone sort of laughed, shocked at how forward this little girl was in a house not her own. Her mother took her aside and Sarah Grace ask innocently, “What?” as if to say “Why am I in trouble” Her mother explained that in other people’s houses it’s rude to ask such. I really felt for Sarah Grace because often times I’ve felt like that when I’m with Brazilian’s—like I’ve said the wrong thing but am not sure what exactly was wrong about it. I thought to myself, “that’s what I need, a Brazilian mother!” Perhaps I’ll ask Erminda to do that…she and I should get closer since in the new year we’ve decided to meet and exchange English for Portuguese lessons. Or Leila, the lady who lives nearby. We’ll see.

It’s funny watching Brian’s interest in Portuguese as I speak it to Sydney. He asked, “How many words do you know?” with a sort of awe-stuck wonder. To him, knowing another language is simply knowing the other word for everything. In his mind, he can already “sort of speak German” because he can count to 20 (and often does). Sara is homeschooling him and speaks no other language but he has him listening to German tapes in his room. I’ve listened to some of the tapes. They have cute songs in English, “The alphabet is easy to learn” it sings in rock-type music, then the letters are repeated in English then in German. They are ever asked to use the alphabet to build a work or spell their name or their address. I wonder what Brian’s motivation is to learn German. I should just ask him. Is it just because it sounds neat?

December 31, 2002

Last night I was showing Stephen some items I’d bought at after Christmas sales. My brother Tom’s wife is expecting her first baby and I got her some of those little soft albums that hold pictures—the ones that are really the size of an average size picture so you can carry them in your purse. Sydney picked one up and started thumbing through it like she does her little books. She quickly lost interest because every page was blank. It made me think how that would be a perfect way to make my own book. I could put pictures or clip art and type up the words and stick them in too (perhaps with double sticky tape). It’s the right size for a book too, unlike if I used one of those large scrapbook sized photo albums. I can’t decide if I’ll just make a book of random words or if it’ll have a story to it.

January 7, 2002 I ran into the German lady who’d discussed speaking German to her kids. They rebelled when they turned teenagers. I told her how impressed I was that she persisted though they rebelled and she said it was really les persistence and more laziness since it was easier for her to speak German. That made me worried.

January 14, 2003 Sydney spoke her first word today. “Daddy!” Actually she’s been saying “Daddy” for around 5 months but this time she made it clear she understood what she was saying. She’d point to a pink in her “Very Busy Spider” book and say, “Daddy” or to a picture of Jerry Lewis in a magazine and say it so we didn’t count it til today, when it was exclusively for Daddy. Stephen came home and she looked up, “Daddy!” He was so thrilled! She says “doctor” all the time but I don’t think she knows what it means, just likes the sound. She understands better in Portuguese but still doesn’t say any words in Portuguese. If I ask her to give me a kiss or if she wants some milk, she understands and I’m not sure she does in English, mainly because Stephen doesn’t say these things to her as often since I’m with her all day.

January 22, 2003 Went to Brazilian Bible study and got a bit frustrated because at the breakfast beforehand everyone was speaking English. I know why, it’s because there’s a lady, Dawn, who is American (the only other American and the only non-Portuguese speaker). She says she wants to learn Portuguese but then only speaks English and the other ladies end up speaking English so as not to exclude. I spoke to her afterwards and said that if she really wants to learn, she’s going to have to encourage the women to speak Portuguese to her.She said that they really want to practice their English but I said that they can hear English anywhere but that this hour or two is the only Portuguese I hear all week. I told her that I could sit beside her and let her know what the topic is but that I really need to hear the Portuguese and it’s frustrating for me when people speak English. She said she’d be more diligent about it in the future. Hopefully that will end too when some of the other Brazilian ladies return to the group (this was the first time back after the holidays and several are still traveling in Brazil) and several of them don’t speak English well at all.

Sydney’s language development is interesting to watch. She’s been saying “Daddy” when Stephen gets off work and comes in the door. She jumps up and down yelling it. But last night, I had to meet a client so he stayed at home with her. When I came home, she looked right at me and yelled, “Daddy! Daddy” so I think to her it just means coming home because she also says it when I come in the door together with her. That’s the only word she says. She understands, “livro” in Portuguese and “book” in English. She understands “leite” (milk) and “beijo” (kiss) but not the equivalent words in English I assume because Stephen doesn’t say those to her as much as I do. My in laws come tomorrow so it’ll be interesting to see if she understands them. My mother in law taught 2nd grade for 30 years (just retired) so she’s always teaching her, always talking to her.

January 23, 2003 I got a book in the mail from my mentor at university, Dr. Fred Ellison. It’s one of his books he’s been writing about a Mexican diplomat in Brazil and just was translated from its original Spanish version and published in Brazil. I’ll start reading it once I’m through with the short stories I’m reading by a Brazilian author. I like reading short stories because they are so contained that I can read one then quit and not feel lose when I pick the book up again. I’ve cut down on Sydney’s breastfeeds to only 2 or 3 per day so I have little time for reading (I used to read a lot while she breastfed). I have a friend, Cristina, who’s in Brazil now and she’s going to bring me back reading material in Portuguese, some children’s stuff and some stuff for me.

January 29, 2003 Brazilian Bible study was quite a rollercoaster. We started our study on Marriage using Kay Arthur’s book “Marriage Without Regrets.” After reading the forward and chapter 1, I had some real doubts about the book because the author is just a very conservative Christian. She believes God has certain roles for us as women. I just don’t buy it. I think there are things in the Bible that refer to such roles but I think that much of what the Biblical writers wrote is culture bound. It was inspired by God but they could only really understand according to the culture they were in. At one point, Leticia read about divorce and how one should only divorce in case of adultery. In those days, that was a very radical step because from what I’ve read, men divorced their women for selfish reasons and women were left in the lurch, stigmatized and such. That does not really apply today and to say that is quite dangerous because what about battered wives? Whenever I disagree it’s tough because I come across a bit aggressively in Portuguese but don’t want to go into English either (one because it’s getting to be a battle to keep the group speaking Portuguese because of Dawn) and also because some of the women’s English isn’t as good as my Portuguese so I run a greater risk of being misunderstood. I think in general Protestants in Brazil tend to be more conservative…Protestants in Latin American I should say because I’ve seen it in Peru and Mexico too (and Leticia’s not Brazilian, she’s Venezuelan). It’s as if to distinguish themselves from Catholics they make really strict rules about drinking and such. It’s interesting though…

I wonder why they choose to interpret the Bible so literally. Protestants’ message is that YOU have to interpret the Bible for yourself and not just take the word of the Priest and that Jesus forgives, you don’t need an intercessory person like the priest at confession. So then why the hard line on interpretation, why do the ones I’ve met tend to interpret so literally. Is too much freedom a scary thing? My dad when I tell him some of my liberal interpretations says it’s a slippery slope and that’s how a lot of people see interpretation I guess, as if you think too much you’ll think yourself out of having faith altogether. I don’t agree. I think next week I’ll try not to dissent too much, try to bring up things I agree with the book and the Bible on that have to do with marriage. I don’t like feeling like the troublemaker. Somehow they tend to see me as not knowing much about the Bible when really I have gone to church my whole life and do a quiet time every night. It’s as if, “If you don’t believe literally, you need to read and understand more and have more faith.” That’s frustrating to me.

At the lunch time it was funny because I’d brought a green salad but no salad dressing because I see that as very American. In Australia I remember bringing salad dressing and no one touched it and I’ve never seen Brazilians eat it. The hostess asked if I’d brought some and I said, “I didn’t think Brazilian’s eat it.” She laughed and said, “Well, they don’t but we’ve all been here so long and you get used to it. I have some in the fridge I’ve never opened because I don’t use it.”

I also noticed another cultural difference. I’d finished eating but still had some things on my plate that were a bit soggy (lots of butter on the bread) or that I just hadn’t finished but didn’t want (cream from the pasta but I’d already finished the pasta so I left the cream on the plate). The Brazilian lady cleaning up picked up everyone else’s plate but when she got to mine asked, “Are you done?” looking at the not-completely-empty plate. I thought, “of course” but then looked at the other ladies plates and they were completely clean like in Europe where they’ve used the bread to lick the plate completely clean. I remembered a time when I was living in Minas Gerais, Brazil. They served this tiny fried fish as an appetizer that was so hard to eat. I ate some and had a plate full of bones. I asked for more after eating 3 or 4 because I was starved and wasn’t sure when lunch would be served. The head of the table laughed and said, “No more Christine til you eat what you’ve got.” I was perplexed because I only had bones. I looked around and no one had anything left on their plates. I just had the hardest time eating anymore because those bones were all crackly. I think in America we have a bad habit, though, in general of leaving food on our plates. I remember as a child I had a friend who’d read “Little Women” and always said it’s polite to “leave a crust of bread on your plate for the poor.” What a silly idea, but really it’s in a way a subconscious way of saying that we’re rich enough to leave something. I’m gonna be more aware of that. That’ one reason I love learning about other cultures in a real way because you see your own in a more objective light (and sometimes I don’t like what I see.)

Feb 3, 2003 I just read the chapter for Bible study next week (the chapter in the Marriage book) and oh, my gosh I’m not sure how I can even go now. It’s all about how Eve was made as Adam’s helper and leaves no room whatsoever for evolution. I thought of calling Alzemira to see if she thinks I should talk to Leticia before Wed. and gets some things out in the open as far as my need to be heard and validated instead of just quieted. I believe that the story was probably inspired by God but that, just as adults have to talk to children in a language they understand, that what the Biblical authors heard was what they were able to grasp at the time. Since we know more now about science we understand God’s creation in a different way. It doesn’t mean God didn’t create it. I’m sure Leticia won’t understand it that way; she’ll point to the Bible and say that it’s simply in the Bible and that’s that.

February 4. 2003 I called Carolina to let her know I can’t come to the going away party she’s planned for tonight. It’s at a restaurant and Sydney won’t do well in that environment at that time (7:00 pm is her bewitching hour and Stephen is playing squash tonight so he can’t sit for her). Carolina and I had a good phone conversation about Leticia. Apparently I’m not the only one who’s felt frustrated, several have already left the group particularly when she made some anti-catholic remarks. Carolina said she was just so glad that her friend, who’s divorced, didn’t come today as she’d planned because Leticia’s said that you can only divorce if your husband cheats on you. Carolina says she disagrees with her quite often but has given up the fight because nothing will change Leticia’ mind I let her know that I worry about that because there may be people in the group who then feel that we all agree with Leticia and that to be a Christian you have to agree with everything literally in the Bible when that’s not the case in my opinion. I feel like I’m in a weird position because since I’m not Brazilian, I’m sort of an outsider and I don’t want to come across as aggressive. I remember feeling this same way in Australia because there, there is quite a lot of anti-American sentiment because they see us as aggressive and know-it-all (and we are in many respects). So I was always afraid to say much for fear I’d look like another pushy American.

As concerns this week’s lesion, Carolina says she of course believes in evolution but that she still feels she can learn from the stories in Genesis. I feel the same so that’s good-should help tomorrow at Bible study.

February 5, 2003 After all that with Bible study, Sydney ended up with a high fever this morning so we didn’t go at all. Three ladies called from the study when they heard Sydney was sick (I’d called to let Alzemira, the hostess, know we weren’t coming). It was interesting because some who called gave me advice on what to do with the baby. One gave me a sort of recipe for Brazilian Pedialyte. I didn’t try it because Sydney’s still breastfeeding and drinking juice so I’m not so worried.

A cousin of Stephen’s was in town from Texas and we had him over for dinner. He was surprised, I could tell, to hear I only speak Portuguese to Sydney. I try to say it as if it’s the most natural thing, but somehow since it’s not the most common of languages, people sort of look at me like, “Why on earth are you doing that?” Maybe it’s just my imagination. I’d love to know what people say when I’m not around…I imagine my mother-in-law talking to my sister-in-law and saying, “Do you think that’ll work?”

February 6, 2003 I nearly killed Stephen last night because Sydney woke up crying after I’d already gone to bed and he gave her more medicine after I’d already given her some before I went to sleep (it was 2 more hours before she was supposed to take more). I hardly slept after that worrying about whether she’d taken too much ibuprophen. One of the Brazilian ladies called to check on Sydney and reminded me not to put too many clothes on Sydney with her fever. They are such good friends, the ladies in that group.

February 8, 2003 I went to a birthday party at Leila’s house. She’s Brazilian and married to an American who grew up in Brazil. Leila is really into the Brazilian community here so most of the people who went spoke Portuguese. I talked to Livia, the lady who takes care of the 4 children in her home. She was younger than I pictured and was just delightful. Very mild-mannered, calm and polished. You could just tell she loved the kids she kept because she was in Brazil for 2 weeks and really missed them. I asked her if all the children were Brazilian and she said that no, that in fact only one spoke Portuguese at home, Susan’s daughter. The others, the parents were glad for them to be learning another language. She said the real impetus for her to speak Portuguese to the kids is that her English just isn’t that great so she thought if she was going to be with the kids for 9 hours she didn’t want to be speaking bad English to them because they would pick it up. I thought that was a really interesting reason. After meeting her, I would feel completely at ease leaving Sydney with her and look forward to meeting up with her.

Later during the party I met Susan and it was funny because I said, “Oh I’ve heard of you!” and she said, “OH, I’ve heard of you, the American who speaks such good Portuguese.” It’s funny actually because my Portuguese isn’t without problems but so few Americans speak it that is sort of makes mine look better. I asked her all about her daughter who stayed with Liria for 6 years. Her husband is Brazilian and she’s actually German but lived in Brazil for her early life and speaks it fluently. They only spoke Portuguese in the house and so Liria, when she went to school, had only really heard Portuguese and had trouble sounding out words because she only knew the sounds the letters make in Portuguese. I finally actually felt better about teaching Sydney to be bilingual after talking to someone (usually talking to people only brings up more problems I’ll face in the future). Sydney shouldn’t have that problem because she’ll have Stephen and grandparents teaching her English before kindergarten. Susie said it’s interesting because the other kids, like Laural, in the daycare had parents that didn’t speak Portuguese. Oftentimes the parents just wouldn’t understand what the kid was saying. They would call Susan and ask her what a certain word meant but Susan, even though she spoke Portuguese, didn’t speak the “babytalk” Portuguese enough to understand but if she asked Laurel directly, she would be able to translate, “She wants juice.” It was actually pretty odd talking to Susan in Portuguese because she looks very Anglo, blue eyes, blond hair. There are Brazilians with that coloring, but she didn’t even look like that because her build is totally different. She even said that she never tells anyone she’s Brazilian because she just doesn’t look it. She said, “It’d be like you telling people you’re Brazilian, you just don’t have a Brazilian face.” That was odd because I don’t feel like I look that different, not as different as she does because at least I have brown hair, but my hair is very very straight so it does look a bit different. There are times I feel very unBrazilian. Like when we were eating the little appetizers and desserts Leila had made. Everyone kept raving about these little guava cookies. Apparently she’d spent like 3 hours making them to get the dough just right. I tried one and nearly spit it out…it was just terrible, like it was chocked full of an equal amount of salt and sugar. Everyone kept going on about how much time it takes to get the dough right so I thought, “Maybe I just got some baking soda in that one bite” and tried again. Also I didn’t want to leave it totally uneaten on my plate for all to see. The second bite was worse that the first. I found another real whole in my Portuguese during the party. I can’t bs. In Portuguese. If I don’t know what I’m talking about, I can’t make it sound like I do. I was trying desperately to explain to Susan what Stephen does for a living (she works in computers and he’s job searching, so I thought she might be able to help) . The problem is, it’s a bit enigmatic to me because I don’t know much about computers. In English I can sort of make it sound like I have some clue, but in Portuguese, I’m sure I sounded like a droning idiot. Oh well, that too will come and maybe it’s a blessing not to be able to b.s. because it’ll make me make sure I have some idea what I’m talking about.

February 13. 2003 Met with Leila today to do our Portuguese/ English class. I had lots of questions I’ve been keeping in a little black book. I asked her to be my “Brazilian advisor” to let me know what I’ve done things that aren’t culturally okay. I gave her the example of yesterday at Bible study when I asked if the book (the one we’re using for our Bible study) I’d given to Leticia had been passed to the person who needed it. (I hadn’t been reimbursed for a book I’d given Leticia to give to someone who’d had trouble finding the book in her town).I wasn’t even sure who she was giving the book to and just wanted to see if things had taken place of if Leticia preferred to give the book back to me. Apparently it had been given to Lucia who’s already paid Leticia for it. Lucia got all upset and said, “NO, I PAID for it already. I gave the money to Leticia.” Leticia got the money and gave it to me saying she’d forgotten. I was embarrassed because Lucia was talking so loud. Anyway so I asked Leila about that and whether I should not have said anything and she said that no, that what I did was fine and what Lucia did was no big deal, that that’s just how Brazilians are, they don’t have all the strict social rules we have here. The deal is, though, that there ARE rules they are just different. She said that they are just more laid back about things. Also she said that I shouldn’t worry about sending a thank you note if I opened a gift in the presence of the person who gave it because it’s just repetitive. She said she had a list of people to thank for her birthday presents from last week and they are all American because no Brazilian expects that unless it’s a wedding gift you open while the giver of the gift isn’t around.

Feb 23, 2003 Sara called tonight, she's an Italian/American friend of mine I met in grad school. She and her husband live in Colombia working for the government in jobs so sensitive they can't really talk about them because their phones may be tapped. We stuck to safe topics. I was telling her about which words Sydney was speaking and Sara said, “I'm glad you're trying this (speaking Portuguese) out so you can tell me if it works.” I asked her which language she planned to speak with her kids and she said, “I'm going to take our maid back with us if we move back to the US. That way she can speak Spanish, I can speak Italian, and Gerald can speak English (Her husband is American but speaks Spanish fluently, having been trained by the government). Then she added, “No, maybe that would be too much.” I found that interesting considering Sara spoke both English and Italian growing up because her Mom's American and her dad's Italian. She grew up in Italy, but came for summer camps in the US. She learned Spanish in high school and college and speaks it at work and with her Colombian friends. She's even taught university level Spanish language courses and government courses in Spanish. Funny that she would doubt the mind's capacity to learn 3 languages. If I’d asked her if she had doubts, discussing her linguistic background, she’d most likely says, “Oh, yes, 3 languages is very doable. Everyone, however, seems to have grave doubts when it comes to children’s language development and as to what will confuse or overload a child.

Feb 24, 2003 Today I talked to Livia, went to her house where she has a daycare. The back room was totally set up like a daycare and the backyard has toys and climbing areas like a daycare, a real paradise for kids. She only takes care of 4 so she has enough time to really get to know each child individually. I was amazed at how well they understood Portuguese. Even the 13 month old could sing part of a Portuguese song. Niki, the 4 year old, was the oldest and her Portuguese was so interesting. She made some errors but mainly they were errors a second language speaker of Portuguese would make...she sounded like my students of Portuguese I used to teach, mainly having trouble with subject/verb agreement “Eu nao precisa” (“I don’t needs”), “Eu nao sabe” (“I don’t knows”). Livia said she had trouble with masculine and feminine too. She would correct her, “No , it's “Meu vestido” (“My jacket” in the masculine form and not “minha vestido”(“my jacket” in the feminine form) but Niki insisted, “But I'm a girl!” She had a point really because women use the feminine form of thank you “Obrigada” where men use “Obrigado” but that is only the case for that one word. The majority of words are inherently masculine or feminine like in French or Spanish. I asked Livia about her own language development. She said she studied English in a private English school called Yazigi but that she never tells people she studied English because she speaks it so poorly now. I taught at a Yazigi when I lived in Brazil...they are known for teaching very conversational English. She said what she learned there was totally different from how things are really said here in the States. She said that she and the kids moved to the States in 1993 when her kids were 13 years old and 11 and then in 2001 they went to Brazil with the kids and it was really obvious they were “Americanized.” She said the shoes they wore and the baggy jeans “chamaram atenção” (called attention to themselves). As we were discussing this, Livia's friend Babeu arrived with her grandson and daughter. She added to the conversation that she too looks odd to her Brazilian friends and family in Brazil. She said her mother scolds her for wearing baggy clothes while Babeu defends herself saying that in the Sates you don't wear tight clothes. Livia said you'd get cold here wearing to the supermarket the strapless blouses or spaghetti straps you wear in Brazil. Babeu added too that in Brazil, they dress up like they are going to a party just to go to the supermarket. Babeu (late 40's early 50's age-wise I'd say) and her daughter (late 20's) were fun to talk to. I told Babeu about the research I'm doing and how we were talking about languages and how to teach them to their children. Babeu had also studied in a Yazigi and said it didn’t help because they only learned, “I am, you are, he/she is” or the days of the week, but that once they came to the U.S., they couldn't understand when real people spoke to them. She said she only remembers the words to “A Bridge over troubled waters.” Babeu's case was interesting. She came to the US intending to stay 3 years. She got pregnant and had a baby and she and her Brazilian husband decided to speak only English to the boy because they planned to return to Brazil and wanted him to have the advantage of 2 languages. Babeu said it was sort of weird to speak English because her English wasn't very goo, but that Brazilians don't really talk to children like they are adults (as Americans tend to do), so there wasn't a huge range of things she had to say to him. She rated her English at the level our mutual friend is at now, which is intermediate, I'd say. She said she felt weird speaking English especially to the older kids (10 years and 6 years when the moved to the States) because she'd always spoken Portuguese with them. Livia said it's the same for her with the kids she keeps in the daycare, that even if she's speaking English to the parents she speaks Portuguese to the kids because it feels odd not to after being in the habit...she says she tends to speak Portuguese with all kids and has to remember that they don't all speak English. . Livia broke in to say that she noticed that Brazilians tend to do more “baby talking” to kids and has made a conscious effort to speak more adult-ish to the kids because she figures after they leave her, this may be the only Portuguese they hear. She doesn't want them talking babytalk into adolescence and adulthood. She said this hit her when a friend of her son's had only spoken Portuguese when he was a child in Brazil. He was trying to speak Portuguese with Livia and said that he was “sapequinho” instead of saying he was “agitado” the difference being that the former is only a word a little kid would use, it's not appropriate for an adult (the only real equivalent I can think of at the moment would be, “wee wee” or “pee pee” instead of “pee” or “go to the bathroom” as an adult might say). Then they returned to Brazil after 3 years but had a hard time adjusting back. They didn’t want to speak English to their son because people looked at them like they were being snobby. It's different from my speaking Portuguese here because Portuguese doesn't have the stigma that English has in Brazil of “chique” --French might be sort of similar, meaning if I spoke French to her in public but it’s still not quite the same as speaking English in Brazil because of all the stereotypes of Americans/English and the whole first vs. third whole thing. They didn't like it in Brazil for several reasons, so they returned to the States. They then decided to speak Portuguese to the kids at home. I met her daughter who was born in the US. She speaks Portuguese with relatively little accent but speaks mainly English to her son because she says it feels more like her first language. She says sometimes she speaks Portuguese and Babeu speaks Portuguese so he understands but responds to her in English. His dad is American. Babeu said she has a son who's 18 who has trouble speaking Portuguese (he's the one they spoke English to the first 3 years) and who really doesn't fit in when they go to Brazil because he just seems American. Their younger son, Andy was born in the US but he's always spoken Portuguese and watched “Monica Cebolinha” and “Ze Carioca” on videos. She said he is “Bem Brasileiro” which means “truly Brazilian.” It was interesting to watch Babeu's grandsonand Niki interact. Niki would speak in Portuguese to the adults but in English to him without missing a beat. Apparently Emma (Niki's 6 year old sister) and Niki speak Englihs to each other even though Livia tries to get them to speak Portuguese. Emma stays with Livia only once in awhile when her school has a holiday but her parents still have to work. Emma started staying with Livia at Susie's recommendation at 10 months and was there until kindergarten. February 25, 03 I got a message from Livia, the vovó I interviewed yesterday thanking me for the homemade bread I left for her lunch. It was so odd listening to it because she left it in English, I assume because she thought my husband wouldn’t understand it if she left it in Portuguese. It was as if her personality completely changed in English. She sounded like a child, like someone socially unsure of herself. It was laughable really. I realize how much of our identity we demonstrate in the way we use language and if we don’t do it well, it can really change people’s perceptions of us. I remember reading in one of my committee member’s research on foreign language anxiety that one of the major reasons students become anxious speaking another language is that they feel they are misrepresenting themselves.

February 26, 03 Today in Bible study I was telling the group at lunch about Babeu saying that she has to wear different clothes in Brazil and asking if that’s true for them. They cracked up that I was saying “Babeu” which translates “Babel”—“like the Tower of Babel” one of the ladies told me. They really thought that was funny and as I translated that to Dawn, a non Portuguese speaking woman who comes to the group, I got really cracked up. It was funny how it was so much funnier to me in English. I guess that’s always true. Just like they say a curse word never sounds as strong to you in another language. I remember my students in ESL classes used to ask me, “How strong is the word ‘fuck’” and even in the explanation I had trouble saying the word but it meant nothing really to them, as even these little proper girls who I knew would never say something like that in their own language would say it to ask for more details.

March 2, 2003 We’re in Nashville visiting my parents and are having a great time. Sydney just really started talking all of a sudden. I get a bit frustrated because it’s more in English. I guess it’s normal considering all around her she’s hearing English and it’s just easier because of the fewer syllables English has. Even “ball” is “bola” so it’s an extra syllable. I’m not sure how to respond to her sometimes. I always tell her about her “sapatos” (shoes) but she picked up the word in English first. It almost makes me mad because how many more times have I put her shoes on or said “sapatos” to her but still she says it in English. Sometimes it’s almost like I’m in a competition with Stephen to teach her more which his silly. I mean, I should be happy that she’s saying “shoes” but instead I feel like, “oh, no, I want her to say ‘sapatos’” When she says, “Shoes” to me, I am not sure how to react. I want to praise her and say, “right, shoes!” because that seems the natural thing to do but instead I said, “ Isto, Sydney, sapatos.” (That’s right, shoes).

March 4, 2003 We left Nashville this morning. I was laughing at Momma because she was feeding Sydney then cleaning her face. As she washed her face, she said perfectly, “Limpa, limpa limpa” (Clean it up! Clean it up! Clean it up!) which is what I often say to Sydney while I wash her hands or face. They seem to accept the Portuguese teaching as nearly normal now. Diddy was telling some of his old friends at his birthday party about what we’re doing with Sydney (he didn’t know I was listening). I find that now I explain it to everyone because I talk to Sydney and if I don’t explain people are a little lost. Were it a more common language this might not be as necessary but Portuguese has quite an odd sound to it if you’re not used to it.

I may have a name for the book: “Voices from the Bilingual Trenches: Experiences of parents raising their children to speak a language they are learning themselves.”

March 5, 2003 I lead the Brazilian bible study. It went well really. The ladies really help me by correcting things. Sometimes it’s annoying because I can’t get my thought out before they correct me and since they have no idea of how to be subtle as you correct, they tend to make a big deal and ruin the story I’m telling. At least I’m learning. There are still times I’m lost. I’d forgotten, for example, that I’d ordered girlscout cookes from Bel. When she greeted me at the door, she said, “I brought the girlscout cookies” (biscoito de bandeirantes”they are called). I’d never heard of “bandeirantes” and really I thought scouts were called “escoteiros” but that’s only boyscouts…girlscouts and brownies are “bandeirantes.” I just acted pleased that she’d made some sort of dessert and came on in the door. It was only later I realized what she was talking about. Oh well, that was no big deal. It does make me realize how many cultural things I don’t know about. I would love to take a trip to Brazil and buy tons of books and just spend time there speaking. I’d love to go alone really but don’t see how this will be possible.

I remember teaching the first day of a beginner Portuguese class here at U.T. I had taught ESL here in the States and knew it was completely possible to speak only the target language in class even on the first day of class—in ESL classes I had no choice but English, right? After about 10 minutes of class, a student yelled out in a sort of panic, “Is this Beginner Portuguese?” I said, “Sim, é.” (Yes, it is) and he grabbed his bookbag and ran outa class.

March 7, 2003 I got a letter from my nephew Brian. I’d written him and asked him why he liked to learn another language. He said the following: “I liked getting your letter and I have an answer for you. I like learning other languages because I could translate for people. It’s fun to pronounce the other words. I like playing the computer games and doing the workbooks my mom got for me. I f I could learn how to write in another language I could have a pen pal and make new friends. I would like to visit the other countries. I feel proud and happy to tell people I am trying to learn another language. I think its cool to be somewhere and tell people the German or Spanish word for something we know in English. Like I I’m at church I can tell people the German word for church is kirche. That’s all I can think of for now. I hope you can visit us soon. Love, Brian PS. I wrote for Brian since he can’t write as quickly as his brain can think! -Sara

March 9, 2003 I am convinced Sydney understands better in Portuguese than in English but tends to use English words. I can say, for example, “Sydney, cadê os seus sapatos?” (“Sydney, where are your shoes?) and she points down to her shoes and says, in English, “Shoes!” The swish of the plural “s” of “shoes” is very Brazilian-Portuguese-ish, the Cariocan (Rio’s accent, considered the “coolest”/”sexiest”) “sh” that I use for all pluralized words.

March 11, 2003 I think I’ve figured out why it feels so odd to speak your second language to the baby when it’s so young. When you’re alone with the infant, it is odd to speak your second language because, since the baby does not really respond, you feel as if you’re talking to yourself. Most of us, when speaking to ourselves in our own head speak our first language. I even speak Portuguese to myself outloud …some people might think that’s nuts but I do it And I think I’ve mentioned before that I’ve found that if you establish a language with someone, it’s difficult to swap languages. It feels fake, as if you’ve suddenly taken on a new persona with that person.

Sometimes I think I talk to Sydney MORE since I’m doing this deal with Portuguese. I feel like she has such limited exposure to Portuguese, that I have to use every minute, even while feeding her or changing her or whatever. Sometimes I don’t feel like talking, but I do anyway and I’m trying to enunciate better. She was trying hard to say “sapato” (shoe”) today. So many syllables!!!

March 12,2003 I talked again to Claire Petrosky in water aerobics. She said when she was teaching her children German, their kindergarten teacher said not to speak German. She said this was in the 50’s so perhaps, she said, it was prejudice, perhaps because of the awful things the Germans did and she had lost someone dear to her. Luckily, Claire had a brother working at Chapel Hill as a professor and he (and her husband) work with languages and encouraged her to persist. She said their first grade teacher said it was great and that by age 12 it would be too late. She said that she was speaking to her grandchildren in German when they come over every afternoon after school, but that they only answered in English and don’t always understand. Her granddaughter is 12 and she just seems to be okay with her not speaking back in German and only understanding some things. I wondered if Claire’s hearing from that kindergarten—“at age 12 it’s too late” makes a difference in how hard she persists in teaching her granddaughter the language.

Just before beginning my job teaching Portuguese at UT, I told my husband I planned to speak only Portuguese even to the beginner classes. He looked at me and said, “Well, we’ll see” and even with my arguments of, “Why are you so skeptical? When I taught ESL to beginners it was all in English…I had no choice” he seemed to understand intellectually, but his body language still said, “That’ll never work in the real world.” Even as a researcher of foreign language education, I have had some doubts over whether my little guinea pig will actually learn Portuguese here in the States living without a Brazilian in the house

While teaching here at UT, I tried to improve my language skills using the classics, short stories, and grammar books. The classics offered little modern vocabulary I needed in the classroom and in the department hallway. Short stories--I grew to hate short stories, as soon as you learn the characters’ names and traits, they’re over,. Grammar books, well, they speak for themselves as far as enjoyment’s concerned.

April 6, 2003 Sydney is 18 months today! It’s pretty exciting. She’s saying a lot of words. I’ll put what she’s saying here so I can keep up with it. They’re pretty much in order of acquisition:

“Daddy” (used to mean Daddy and picture since we tried to get her to day “Daddy” by showing her pictures of him…now it’s the generic word for all pictures) “uh oh” “bebe”, “shoe” “Paw Paw” (not sure she knows what this means but she says it from time to time) “pe” (foot) “oh no!” “oh shoe” (used to talk about shoes when she’s really having fun playing with them, like in the closet), “gato” (cat), “all right!”

She can also repeat several words like “ cocô” (poo poo), xi xi (pee pee), and “yellow” when we say them but it’s not obvious she knows what they mean. Stephen thinks she knows what yellow means because she can pick it out of several other colors.

I did a really interesting interview with Jane Messler today. She’s really articulate and has worked so hard to get the boys to speak Japanese. It’s impressive really and I found it inspirational.

I went to Susie, my new Brazilian friends’ house (I met her at Leila’s birthday party) and her mother had mailed me 4 children’s book in Portuguese. They are all sort of fables, or opposites/numbers/Walt Disney type stories so they’ll be fun to read. She also loaned me some of her daughter’s books. We talked about problems she’s having with Jessica raising her to speak Portuguese. It’s hard because Susie was raised in Brazil but learned to speak German and she even went to a German school But now she speaks more Portuguese and English then German because at age 12 she rebelled and only wanted to speak Portuguese. She says it’s a chore to write in Portuguese because now at work she only writes in English (she works, as does her Brazilian husband) for IBM. They have noticed that since Jessica, their daughter, started kindergarten, she answers them in English. Susie’s mom doesn’t really speak English and she visits quite often so they really want to maintain Portuguese. She asked for my advice. I told her I’d just insist she speaks Portuguese and to do it in a funny way, as light-hearted as possible, but to insist none the less. Also I told her she’d need to watch to make sure she’s speaking Portuguese because Susie tends to switch from language to language without even perceiving she’s doing so, in fact she said it was a Brazilian friend who noticed that Jessica was answering her in English. She said then she started noticing and that she and Carlos, her husband, were actually speaking English to each other quite often while Jessica was around and she hadn’t even noticed that.

It was really one of the first times I remember hanging out one on one with a Brazilian for a long time and really having an in-depth conversation without struggling with the language. I am learning a lot. It’s hard to figure out how to be her friends and have her husband involved because Stephen doesn’t speak Portuguese. So if we have them over it’ll be in English which always frustrates me.

April 8,2003 I just got an email that’s made me feel a bit discouraged about this whole raising Sydney bilingual thing. It was from a professor I knew from grad school and greatly admire. He teaches Spanish and Portuguese language and literature.. I emailed him and decided to ask him if he’d spoken Spanish or Portuguese to his kids. He’s really a family man, Mormon actually, and always talks about his kids and how funny they are, uses them as examples and such while he’s teaching. Anyway, I’ll quote his email, the part that sort of depressed me: “As to philosophy, I know some families who speak to their children in another language, but I've always felt that it was a little artificial. More power to them, but I'd rather go play ball, fishing, fix cars, play with bunnies, catch snakes and lizards, hike in the mountains, watch sports, and BBQ fatty meats. Somehow, real life takes precedent over language practice at home.”

I guess I just see it like, why can’t you fish while speaking Spanish? I guess most people like more separation from their personal and professional life. It’s always been a bit of a blur for me because I’ve always enjoyed my work so. And I enjoy learning so much. I remember that interview I did with the Belgian woman living in Brazil, she said she didn’t try to hide the fact that the kids were learning something because instead her philosophy was that learning is fun and it’s great to be curious. I dunno.

April 9, 2003 Oh my gosh, today my biggest language problem made me feel so stupid. I have trouble with masculine and feminine. If asked which words are masc. And feminine I can usually tell you but I just forget to use the right ending or article sometimes when I’m talking. Today at dessert after Bible study someone tried to cut me a piece of flan. I hate flan, really hate it. They kept insisting and I could tell I was about to get the “you’re so thin, why don’t you eat” lecture so I explained that I don’t care for anything that giggles like jello, flan, etc. Alzemira was at my side and she whispered to me as an aside, “What about your husband’s butt?” I answered loud enough for everyone to hear (by then, the ladies at the table knew she’d said something sorta off color because I was laughing mischievously), “not my husbands’, his is really hard.” Unfortunately I used the masculine form of his and not the feminine (penis is masculine while butt is feminine) and all the ladies looked at me like “What are you two talking about?” I just sorta turned red.

April 11, 2003 My parents are visiting for 5 days. It’s been great but I feel weird speaking Portuguese around them even though they are totally supportive of it. Somehow when they are repeating a word to her, it’s like they’re teaching her to talk whereas when I’m repeating a word to her, I have some foreign language agenda that feels strange. She’s so cute though. She has started association words. So if I say “Granny” she says “Paw Paw” and if I ask if she made a “cocô” (poo poo). she says, “xi xi” (pee pee). Poor mom was trying to get her to say Granny but she never could get it. She said once to Sydney, “You’re Granny’s girl” and Sydney responded, “Paw Paw!” We all died laughing. Sometimes it was nice because she’d say in the middle of dinner, “Xi Xi!” (“Pee Pee!”) but no one really noticed because it was in Portuguese. She will pottie train early I would guess because she says that whenever things are going on in her diaper.

April 12, 2003 There are days I think, “Why am I doing this?” I have been working on “Pato” with her for so long and she’ll quack after I say it but then today at the lake we were walking around and she was saying “Duck.” I felt like saying, “After all we practice you’re saying “Duck.” If I say, “Pato” she’ll respond with “Duck.” So I was all frustrated but then at night, she wanted to breastfeed so she said, “Te Te” (the cutsie kid way to say breastfeed in Portuguese). I was so pleased. Tonight it was funny because Diddy was reading through my Portuguese dictionary saying words in Portuguese. Sometimes I wouldn’t know the word because he would be on the page for tools (chainsaw in Portuguese, just didn’t bother learning it) but it was fun, like a little quiz. Sydney loves her new books in Portuguese that Suzie loaned me. She kept taking them to my parents to read them to her and they would try to figure out what they were saying from the pictures.

April 20, 2003 I’ve been getting so frustrated because I work on a word with Sydney like “cachorro” (dog) for weeks and the first time Stephen says, “doggy” she starts saying it in English. Tonight Stephen was handing her juice and said, “Do you want some juice” then started to repeat it as he does to get her to learn words and I said exasperated, “Could you just lay off on ‘juice’? I’ve been working on ‘suco’ (juice) for weeks and if you say it in English she’ll only say it in English.” He said, “Ok, so I’m not supposed to say anything now? What is this, ‘One Parent, One Language. The Other Parent, Nothing?” I had to laugh. Sometimes my expectations are a big high I guess. I mean, it’s normal to prefer to call a pillow “pillow” rather than use the 4 syllable “almofada” especially if the rest of the people around are doing it.

April 24, 2003 Today I got together with my old college roommate Colleen. She is one of those wonderful moms that any kid would be lucky to have. Enjoys her kids basically and it’s mutual. I learn a lot from her. Today she was talking about how neat it was to read books to them and remember having read them as a child. They’d just finished the first of the Little House on the Prairie books and she said she cried at the end (Colleen, not her daughter) partly out of pure sentimentalism she said because she remembered reading them as a child.

I wonder if I’ll find any of those type books in translation.

April 30, 2003

We’re moving to Chapel Hill North Carolina in early July and are around that same time hoping that I will be pregnant. It’ll be a crazy time I feel sure but why wait to get pregnant when it’s the perfect time? I mean, I’ve already put this off for months for one reason or another and once I get the urge to have a child, I think I should go with it. Anyway so I’m thinking though that once the nausea hits I’ll want some time away from Sydney. Plus I’m trying to do some publishing. I’ve been working during her Sydney’s naptime but I barely get into things when her naptime is over and I have to stop writing. So, I asked the ladies at Bible study if they knew of anyone who might want to do daycare with Sydney one day a week (mentioning that it had to be a Brazilian). Just thinking selfishly, I really want someone who can do it in their home because that way I can take a nap or whatever or really get work done and not be tempted to play with her or whatever. Plus it’s cheaper that way and she can get to be around other kids and in a different environment. They gave me the name of someone but when I called her, she lived in Cary which is like 30 minutes from where we’ll be living and that’s too far. Oh well. Livia would really be the perfect person but Raleigh is also 30 minutes away so that’s just too far. Plus she prefers to have kids fulltime.

Bible study was nice today and the food was wonderful as usual. I still get frustrated telling stories. Sometimes I feel knotted up in a spider’s web when I start telling a story and I worry about that. I really need to do more classes with Leila but she’s very busy she said.

May 3, 2003 I found a neat way to learn Portuguese. I was sitting on the porch with Sydney, reading a cooking light magazine. Sydney wanted to look at it so I put her in my lap and starting naming things on each page. Whenever I got to a page where the was something I didn’t know the word for (usually a food), I folded the page in at the bottom (because folding it at the top marks my place or a recipe I like!) Then later I looked up those words and wrote them on my little fridge pad of paper.

May 5, 2003 Leila called this morning and wants to have a class with me on Thursday. We’ll do 45 minutes in English and 45 minutes in Portuguese. She helped me a lot. I got volunteered to lead bible study this week and said okay without knowing the topic is “Sex in your marriage.” I was trying to think of questions but didn’t really want to come across too strong so I asked Leila if my questions were okay and she reassured me. I mean, that topic’s hard enough in my first language. I was a bit put out with Alzemira who volunteered me. She had, to her credit, tried other people first but no one would accept (now I know why, they must have looked at the topic!)

Tomorrow Sydney will be 17 months old, wow! She’s saying a few more words. She says “gurte” for “iogurte” (yogurt), “papel” (paper), and “leite”. When she sees or hears a phone, she says, “lo” which I consider both English (hello) and Portuguese (Alô). She only says “bye” in English (as opposed to “tchau” in Portuguese) but says “flor”(flower) in Portuguese, which makes me happy. Stephen has been sweet about , when he knows I’m working on a word with her, not saying it repeatedly in English. He laughs sympathetically when I’m singing old macdonald to her in Portuguese and I get to the “tinha um PATO” (“had a DUCK”) part and instead of saying “uak uak uak” for the duck sound, she says, “Duck!” in English, as if correcting my “Pato”. She does the same when I hand her a cracker. I ask her if she wants an oyster cracker (which I call “biscoito” in Portuguese since it’s in a cookie shape) and when she gets it she looks at it and says, “cracker” as if to correct me.

She also says, “piu piu” (peep peep) when she sees a bird. One thing I love about Sydney is that she makes me look at the world around me. I never really even notice if a bird is peeping or a flower is near and she notice and shouts it so loud like it’s the greatest thing in the world.

I got so lucky in finding a Brazilian daycare today! Livia, the daycare owner in Raleigh, called to say there was a space in her daycare if I wanted it but I had to decline since we’re moving to Chapel Hill. She recommended Candida who lives in Durham (around 10-12 minutes from where we’ll be living). I talked to her and her situation is similar to Livia’s though when one of the kids asked her a question, she answered him in English which was discouraging. Most of the kids are American so I think they’ll speak English among themselves but at least Candida would be speaking Portuguese to them hopefully. I will go observe after we’re moved in and see how she interacts with them and see how safe/happy it is in general too of course then we’ll decide. The good thing is that she’s fine with only having them for one day. So that was really lucky! I have just really wanted her with other kids and other people in general who speak Portuguese.

At the YMCA she learns so much English that with that, with the English my husband speaks to her and me, and with the English she hears me speaking to people on the phone and in the world, she is hardly getting any Portuguese input. The other day I gave her a cookie and said, “biscoito” and she said, “cookie”. I couldn’t believe it because Stephen never says “cookie” because we hardly ever have them on hand. She must have learned that at the YMCA. I mean, of course it’s good she’s learning words, but she already gets so much time in English that more time in Portuguese would be nice.

Oh, also, when Livia called, she invited me to meet her daughter, Sara. Sara has a newborn and a 3 year old and will be in town visiting so Livia thought I might enjoy talking with her about bilingualism.

• • • • Re-edit above vor 0-6 months

Wednesday May 7, 2003 Today was one of my favorite days at Bible study because I didn’t feel like I said anything too stupid or annoying. I am usually not a paranoid person who analyses everything I say, but somehow after meeting up with the Brazilian crowd I always feel as though I’ve talked too much, said the wrong thing, asked the wrong question, etc. But today was different.

The Bible study itself was rather difficult because the topic was sex and Carolina brought her mom for the first time so here I was asking these personal questions to a group that included both Carolina’s mother and Leila’s neighbor who’d come for the first time and didn’t really understand Portuguese. (I think she had gotten the idea from Lucia that she’d understand because she spoke some Spanish, but instead, she was totally lost). Anyway, it was just difficult because I don’t really like talking about sex to people who aren’t my good girlfriends and even then I do it rarely because I feel I’m breaking a confidence with Stephen. We got through it though and decided to change the topic for next week (usually we do the same topic 2 weeks in a row because the book we’re following has long topic-driven chapters that are difficult to cover in only one meeting). We’d all had enough sex, I think J

Afterwards Lucia called me to say she’d heard me saying a word wrong to Sydney. She said I was calling a “cracker” the wrong thing so now I know. I also heard a lady as she was changing her son say “poo poo” (or the equivalent in Portuguese, I mean) and I was using the wrong vowel sound. I’ve been trying to say it right and it’s hard to change. I was happy though that Leila felt at ease to call and tell me and I told her to please continue doing so or just correct me at the moment, that it won’t bother me. It only bothers me for people to correct me when it’s something very easy that of course I know but I just slipped up on AND I’m in the middle of a story that’s not funny if you stop for correction, you know. I didn’t say that because how is she supposed to know when I’m just slipping up and when I really don’t know the right word/verb tense, etc.

Thursday May 8, 2003 Leila, my “Brazilian mother” (she would die if she knew I was calling her that…it’s not because of her age because we are nearly the same age, it’s because of the way she helps me and shoots straight) came over and we did our swapping English for Portuguese lesson, 45 minutes each person. It was good because I had a long list of questions. Mainly words that I’d looked up in the dictionary but wasn’t sure if people actually used. I looked up “dragonfly” for example because we see them a lot and I want to point them out to Sydney. In the dictionary it said, “libelula” but when I confirmed this with Leila because I’d never heard that word, she said that may be the official word but everyone says, “zigzag”. That was much easier. I asked her some grammatical things and expressions I’d read in books but didn’t understand and it was so helpful. She didn’t have a list of questions so I just asked her to talk about her time at university and while she talked, I wrote down things she’d made mistakes in and then took a moment after she’d finished talking and we only have around 10 minutes to label each thing as “gram” for “grammatical error” or “pron” for pronunciation error or “word” for word order problem or “prep” for preposition. Then we went over each error and it really was helpful for her I think. I used to do this for my students when they gave presentations. The labels are helpful for students who then rewrite the notes and want to catalogue their errors to really avoid making them again. She brought me a grammar book and a huge book of verbs. I’m not sure I’ll use them much because I really think I tend to learn more and put more time into it if I just read things I enjoy instead of making it all to classroom-ish. We’re going to meet each Thursday and I’m so glad!

This morning I took Sydney to the YMCA nursery while I worked out and noticed that she was really aggressive with the other children. I asked one of the nursery workers and they said her hitting had started just recently. I was glad she’ll soon be in a daycare once a week where the lady will discipline her as I would (I think she will anyway).

I asked Leila for advice on discipline and she suggested putting her in a chair for timeout. I thought that it was too early for that but really I do something similar because I put her in her bed until she stops screaming if she pitches a fit. I thought I had to put her somewhere where she’d be contained otherwise she’ll just walk away but Leila said no, you just tell them they’ll have to stay longer if they get up. She said her dr. said to do it for 1 minute for a one year old, 2 for a two year old, etc.. So I got a chair out of her closet because her rocking chair we use as the place for her to sit during snacktime (otherwise she walks around and we find a cracker under the couch, you know) and the chairs in the dining room are too big for her. Anyway it was just a little booster chair we never use. She absolutely fell in love with it and wouldn’t’ get out of it. When I tried to get her out, she cried. After 45 minutes of playing in the chair, I thought, “Ok this’ll never work” So I decided to use a little towel. I nearly used a blanket but the word in Portuguese is very different from “blanket” and I wanted this to be easy to learn. A towel in Portuguese is “toalha” so whether Stephen or I say it, she’ll quickly get the idea. Plus I can take it with us when we go to someone’s house for awhile. I used it the first time during dinner when she was really fussy. It was hard because she didn’t understand she had to stay on it. When she got up, I just put her back and eventually she stayed. Later during dinner if she started getting fussy, I’d just ask her if she wanted to go back on the towel and she straightened up. I was so surprised that with a 17 month old it worked!

I took a long walk with Sydney in the afternoon and was thinking how Leila was so different in English than in Portuguese. During the Portuguese part she was so confident, giving me advice, helping me so much. Then when she went into English, it was like she was 10 years younger, less secure, nearly comical. I wonder how much I’m like that. I know my voice is much higher in Portuguese and that Brazilians tend to think I’m younger than my fellow Americans think I am. I must be less secure and less loud because I’m not so confident in what I’m saying. There are times when I’ll switch to English just to say something to Dawn and people will sort of stare at us like, “geeo you really are different”-just one example was when Leila at Bible study mentioned her husband had seen Emeril’s show live and Dawn and I were the only ones who got excited. I said like Emeril does, “Step it up a knotch” and did the hand motions like he did and Dawn and I guffawed. Everyone was just smiling as us like, “Gee, you are so American.”

Friday May 9, 2003 Today I took Sydney to a birthday party at a Brazilian friend’s house. I took the towel with me and when we got there I showed it to her and told her I didn’t want to have to use it but would if necessary. We only had to use it once so that was okay. It was fun seeing everyone. I felt a little lonely because while I was breastfeeding no one came near (we were as all women, so I found this odd, but maybe they worried they would distract Sydney). I really need to wean her but it’s so hard. She likes it and I love being close to her.

Thursday May 15, 2003 Today I met Livia’s daughter Sara today and her 2 daughters. It was a sort of crazy time talking to her because Livia had the kids in the daycare and it was raining so we were all crammed in her little house. I had brought my data notebook to take notes but ended up just jotting a few things down because I was trying to hold Sydney all at the same time. It was so encouraging talking to her and seeing her interact with her 3 year old. She speaks Portuguese to her and her husband, who is American, speaks English. The child speaks Portuguese to Livia as well. To show me how well her daughter spoke both languages Sara asked her “Quantos anos você tem” (How old are you?) to which she responded “três” and held up 3 fingers. Then she asked her in English, “How old are you?” and she responded “three” with the same 3 fingers. She never skipped a beat in answering in the language she was addressed in. Sara said that sometimes she’ll point to a bird and say “pássaro” then immediately she’ll translate that for her father, “that’s ‘bird,’ Daddy, ‘bird’.” She said she mixes the 2 languages a lot. Sara will say “Quer mais?” which means “Want more?” and she’ll respond, “I don’t quer mais.” Sara said it was too bad that she never learned to call her “Mamãe” but instead called her “Mommie.” I told her that my husband had been concerned about that and had decided to call me Mamãe to Sydney and I used “Daddy” for him. She said she wished she’d done that. She said it’s funny because her daughter calls Livia “Mamãe” because that’s what she hears Sara calling her, of course. Sara said she ends up speaking some English to her when she’s around other people so they will know what they are saying. She says she gets no contact with other Brazilians because she lives in a small town in S. Carolina. I’m going to get her email so I can keep up contact with her.

It was also encouraging seeing Livia talking to the kids in the daycare. They were all eating in their little boosters or high chairs (3 kids) and they would say “Mais” when they wanted more and one is younger than Sydney (Sydney still doesn’t say “Mais” or even “More” in English…she just points to what she wants). Livia was telling me how the kids are learning to talk like an old person would in Brazil. There are certain little proverbs she tends to say that younger Brazilians wouldn’t use. The children pick them up and she says it’s so funny to hear them use them.

They all understand her perfectly and are just so attached to her. It was amazing to see one of the kids being picked up by her mom. She was sad to leave Livia, it seemed. If I were that mom, I would have quit my job the first time that happened because it would’ve made me so sad. I feel lucky to get to stay home with Sydney. Not everyone has that luxury and I don’t take it for granted.

Wednesday May 21, 2003 Today during Bible study, I kept wondering if I was coming on too strong. There are women in the group with such different beliefs from mine. One woman was saying that a man she knew had lost his son to brain cancer and that she felt that “the lord giveth, the lord taketh away.” And another lady was telling the story of how her husband bought a car that she didn’t think they had the funds to buy (she wanted to buy a less expensive model) and then soon after they bought it, he was in a wreck and messed the car all up. She told him, “See, God didn’t want you to buy that car.” I just HAD to say something though my brain kept telling my mouth, “Let it go, you will end up sounding really aggressive if you open your mouth.” But I mean, come on! Did she really believe God caused her husband to have an accident because He felt her car was too pricey for their budget? What kind of a God is that? And the people who feel “God needed my son more than I did so He took him to heaven early” make me think, “You’ve got to be kidding!” I just don’t believe that God makes terrible things happen. I think, and this is what I said to the group, that there is a certain amount of randomness in life. I feel God is present in our lives and that in the random flow of daily events he is present, but that we are not puppets on His stage, being pulled by His strings. We have free will. Anyway I felt like I came across a bit strong though I tried to let them know that I really agree that they are right in that God works things towards good, even the horrible things. I do respect their opinions and in a way envy the solidness of their faith. I just don’t see the world as that black and white. Next time I’m with Leila I’m gonna find out a polite/indirect way to disagree.

I was happy because everyone liked the vanilla cookies I made. They were asking a question about them and I mentioned vanilla which I thought was “bacaunil.” They all looked at me like, ‘what?” I repeated the word “bacaunil” and someone finally said, “I think you have the wrong word.” Turns out it’s “baunilha”. Not sure where I got my word to be honest. Sometimes I just make things up I guess. I didn’t feel stupid though. It’s getting to feel natural to be corrected all the time.

Thursday May 22, 2003 I told Stephen I’ve noticed he hasn’t taught “pee pee” and “poo poo” to Sydney. Instead he uses the Portuguese “xi xi” and “cocô” with her. We both laughed because we know why he hasn’t taught her. She says the words while she’s doing them, even if we’re out in public. The other day she did that and I (stupidly) didn’t change her immediately because I was talking to this lady at Sherwin Williams. I looked down and she has taken off her pooey diaper (she was wearing a dress) and was stepping in it in her new white sandals. Poo was everywhere, her shoes, the floor. What a mess! I’ll listen next time.

Anyway Stephen’s also been sweet about not pushing the English word for some things like “monkey” or “boat” which she’s just started saying in Portuguese. I got tickled the other day because I was saying the three syllable word “arvore” to her for “tree” and Stephen said, “Once I say that in English to her, you don’t stand a chance.” He was right in fact. New words she’s saying now are as follows: mamae (mommie), caco (short for “macaco” or “monkey), barco (boat), aqui (here), tudo (all, or everything…she says that when she’s finished her food), “cookie”, “cracker,” “sol” (sun), “tree”, “co” (short for “copo” or “cup”)

May 28, 2003 I rode with Leila to Brazilian Bible study today and it was so good. I told her my frustrations with the book we’re using and how, once I finished the last chapter, I threw it in the trashcan. I just found the author’s tone so condescending, as if those who disagree must not have read the Bible clearly. I find the author’s views simplistic and, to be frank, quite ignorant. It’s hard because I never feel I can voice these opinions in the group because one of the ladies in the group chose the book, so it was nice to be able to share with Leila and find someone of like mind. Leila wishes we could find a group that looked at life through many religions. I would like that too or even just a less conservative bent would be fine. To be honest I really just go because of the Portuguese and the company of these fantastic Brazilian women, so anything where I wouldn’t leave annoyed would be great for me, as shallow as that may sound. I felt like I totally insulted Leila. She’d gone to Europe not long ago, just after her 40th birthday, say around 6 months ago. I’d forgotten she’d gone. Anyway she was telling me about a trip she’s taking to Paris next week and I asked her if she’d been to Europe before. She said that she had for her 40th birthday. Somehow I heard “14th birthday” (I was driving at the time so I really wasn’t able to concentrate as much as I needed to). I said, “Oh, so that was a long time ago so things have changed a lot since then. She looked sort of hurt and said, “My 40th birthday isn’t that long ago!” I tried to explain but I’m not sure she believed that I really mixed up something as simple as 40 and 14. I have trouble with numbers. I remember when I was in France I had trouble with numbers in French. I was doing the study abroad thing and was studying the French revolution. I could never understand the dates during lecture so I never was really sure when things happened (not good for your grades in a history class).

Sydney is saying, for the first time, both the Portuguese and the English word for something. She says “tree” then says “arvore,” which is Portuguese for tree. It’s so cute. She’s also saying “rock” and “pé” (short for “peixe” or “fish”)

May 31, 2003 I find myself quite anxious and it’s silly, really, but my mother in law is coming soon. She was a second grade teacher for 30 years and is just a born teacher. I always feel at odds language wise when she’s around because she repeats words over and over, the ones I’m trying to teach Sydney in Portuguese and of course the English word is always easier, you know? She’s finally saying meias (“sock”) in Portuguese but it has 3 syllables so as soon as Lois starts repeating “sock” she’ll only say it in English I’m sure. I shouldn’t’ worry about it but Stephen has been so good when I’m teaching her certain words not to bore in and insist on saying those a lot in English to her until she gets it in Portuguese. It’s as if he understands “his time” is coming once she starts kindergarten and is surrounded by English but other people don’t see it that way.

I asked Carolina to buy Sydney some books while she was in Brazil. She leaves this week. I was nervous about calling her because I in no way want to appear to be an opportunist. She said it would be a pleasure, that she had lots of things to take to Brazil but little she really needed to take back so she’d have room in her suitcases. She asked how many books and I just said as many as she felt like carrying that money wasn’t important, as the books would be much more expensive to get any other way. I gave her an author I liked, Ziraldo, and said that paperbacks might be better because she can get more for the weight in her suitcase but she worried that they wouldn’t last as long. I’m not so preoccupied with that as other people are. I figure if they rip, I’ll tape them back together. This is just a stereotype I’m sure I but I’ve noticed that Brazilians are more worried with things like that in general, with how things look. Their clothes are always ironed, shoes shined, hair arranged and we Americans tend to be sloppier about a lot of things.

My friend Judy in New York says there’s a sort of little Brazil in the city near her and she’ll try to find some books there for Sydney. I talked to her on the phone yesterday and she said her friend, Ana Carla or something like that is coming to Chapel Hill for grad school. She is Brazilian and I am so excited to have a new friend who won’t know anyone so I can become her friend without feeling like she has enough friends already (that’s how I often feel trying to establish myself in a new town where people have already established their friendships). This should start 18 Months-2 Years June 1, 2003 Went to a church picnic with our new church. Didn’t know many people and found myself just not wanting to talk to Sydney because I didn’t want the first thing people talk about with me to be Portuguese. I don’t know, it just seems sort of odd and I don’t want to look like I’m showing off either. But it feels fake to speak English too so I found I just didn’t say much to her at all.

June 3, 2003 I was coming out of the supermarket today and heard this lady fussing at her kid, “You’ve done nothing but whine all morning. What is wrong with you? I don’t want to hear any more of it, I can’t take any more whining, do you hear me?” I thought to myself how nice it is to speak in Portuguese because if I fuss, no one but Sydney understands me.